The first practice

Ok the first practice was on Thursday and man was it an interesting one! It started off with an introduction to the super secret playbook with 10 offensive and 3 defensive plays that Ohio State and other schools won championships 5 yrs in a row with or something (Play called the Rhino). We headed out to the field and coach made us run around it, yes it was painful considering I stayed home sick from school that day and was still feeling sick, but I did it. Then he started to divide us by what positions we wanted to play. I was kind of interested in Runningback, but I don’t really have any experience so I decided to check out defense and lineback, and whoo this is where the sweet stuff happened. 2 other coaches taught us formations (4 line, 5line, 6 line) and then we did drills. For one of them, Coach R had me and another girl stand on the opposite side of the line while two girls from the other team blitzed and tried to get past us. I did good the first time and I guess R wanted to show the nazi (the real football coach F) how amazing a coach she is or something, and had us redo it. So this time around the girl I had to defend rams right into me like a retard and sends me flying back till I hit the ground. Yeah my behind and lower back hurt for 2 days and Im still pissed at her. First off the nazi was watching, second off so did everyone else, and I was totally humiliated, but surprisingly I took it really cool. I just got right back up and after a swig of water (so I wouldn’t pass out) I went back to doing defense. You know I guess it was my fault for trying to play easy and fair, maybe I should start putting all those years of MMA classes to action on the football field. (When no one’s looking, maybe I’ll knee her in the ribs, haha jk).  Anyway that first practice felt like a failure, but I got 8 more to go, so maybe things will turn around. Im again somewhat thankful for the hardships because I know that if I persevere, I will gain more out of them than if I just give up and let them break me down (courtesy of Joshu Billings and that awfully scary night).  All in all that practice was a lesson of a lifetime in itself (watch out if a girl tries to ram into you), and although my body ached for days, it felt good.

Life and Grief

I never thought I would ever feel this way. I don’t know if I ever thought I could feel so broken hearted. So torn apart. So deceived, so angry, so sad. The hardest part is attempting to understand where I went wrong. How did I get here? What did I do so wrong, that I must undergo such suffering. They say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. This suffering feels inevitable, therefore is it a pain? No matter how hard I try to forget. It keeps coming back. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change anything. Yet I keep punishing myself by all this sobbing. All this broken hearted-ness. What have I sinned that I must hold tears? How could this world be so cruel. Why is it so hard to keep my head above the storms of my heart? I, a lover of justice, of truth, honesty, and values. Of self discipline, of kindness, of love. I only do what I feel is right. If I see someone who’s hurting someone else, as I did today. I will not keep quiet. I refuse to succumb to silence. Why must I be? If someone doesn’t show the person his wrongdoing, then who will? For that I feel no regret. I feel no regret for yelling at my father. I feel no guilt for cursing at him, for disrespecting him. I respect people I don’t even know that well more than I respect him, because of his nature. In the case of me, he will get what he asks for, no more no less. Every peice of hurt I throw at him are all in response to his own many threats and misconceptions and arrogant attitudes. I refuse to take crap  like that from anyone, including my own father. Traditionally, I am not supposed to say anything disrespectful to him, nor am I to question him or anything. But this is exactly why I’m not tradtitional. If he needs a wake up call that he’s currently living in the 21st century, not the 1st, I will be glad to give it to him.  I’m usually not such a horrible person. Im not this angry, this annoyed. I will forgive and forget. But when forgiving and forgetting isn’t going to get me anywhere, my patience is never-ending,but my heart refuses to bear witness to any more stabbing, I am not going to stay quiet anymore. I can only hope that the lord hears my cry, hears my intentions. My intentions are ony good. I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I refuse to accept stupidity.  I will not accept blames hurled at my mother, lies, abuse. I will not accept childish behavior from a man whose left his childhood decades ago. If he wants to play a game. Then I am more than willing to go up for the challenge, and with god’s grace, teach him a lesson well earned.  For some reason, after that fight this morning. I couldn’t hold back my tears. And I pondered the reason for their occurence. I did not feel guilty, or that I made a mistake. I think i was sad because lately, I’ve been getting so hurt, and i can’t hold it in anymore. Not because i did something wrong. I cried because I felt that there was no good left in this world anymore. So much hate, ignorance, arrogance, pride…where are the decent hearted. Why is it that the decent hearted, if they exist, all seem to be so far away from me. Why doesn’t god offer mercy on this broken hearted daughter of his. Why doesn’t he hear my sobs, feel my sorrow. Why doesn’t he offer me comfort. I gave him everything I have, my dreams, my hopes, my life. I gave it all up for his happiness. For his content. Yet he never seems to show me his appreciation. I only ever wished to serve him…

School work

school work has been extremely harsh on me lately, yes it is very hard and lots to do…labs, essays, etc etc etc. I need more ppl in my life.

Today

So, I get butterflys thinking about HOBY. i dont know if i’ll get picked or not…dont think that guidance guy likes me though, but hey i put everything i got out there…lets see if i’ll go somewhere. Bal vihar…hmmm.. i enjoy it, culture today and language. it was easy, simple. I totally want to do some sort of sport…but i guess i hav to get in shape first though..so im going to run/work out every tues. and thurs. (at the gym) and try out for soccer intramurals. Wanna get more involved in key club and newspaper though…and mock trial – i wonder when they start, its been awhile. Oooh, yes and grappling! gotta join that class and pay like 300 bucks..maybe my parents ll do it. still in search for that job, im thinking about a golf course..and maybe like a doctors office or so..im so desperate i’ll even do a paper route! but deff nothing in retail or diners. wayy too gory for me. they’ll be my last choices. Im going to start up tennis soon and do the session in Jan. i wonder if ill face some sort of miracle and make spring track – and be good (only sprints, im not much for long distance, maybe long jump, maybe hurdles). i have a huge to do list to make and oh yes, my task for today

 

1) finish APUSH reading/notes (1.25 chapters left to go! – aka 3 more hours)

2) English outline (wtf, there was no civil rights movement in the 1930s, how am i possibly going to write a grad report on that?!)

3) Precalc – study, Physics – study/hw, span – study for quiz

Guess what?

SAT/ACT tomm…omg i don’t know if it’ll be 4 hours or 6…i hope 4!!!! i will die if its 6. Anyway, then i get to go swimming…sunday school omg the textbook is a dream come true! its amazing! i love it! Hopefully i get a good grade on the tests…im studying all day today and it would feel totally amazing to know i did great on the test w/out studying..you know? Social life is getting much better. I learned how to become a millionaire..cool huh? I have to write some stuff down, night.

School’s Started

and life sucks…not too bad but its not great. Lots of vigorous classes, no social life (no one seems to care that im new) and lots of tests…but im still trying to make that harvard dream come true…

Insufficient Times

I am aware that i haven’t written for a while, but nothing interesting really happened lately. Life’s still the same old boring thing, my goals haven’t changed, my to do list hasn’t changed. Oh except, I went to the orientation the other day to volunteer at the Hospital and man was it strange! 3 hours of sitting and listening to a lecture made up of rules and regulations and blah blah blah, we watched 2 corny and horrifying videos on fire safety and good attitudes…and the only thing i really liked about it was the fact we were given a break. The lady who gave the talk was certainly very fine, she’s a grandparent with apparently a daughter who lives with her as well as 4 grandchildren…who also live with her…and they’re all under 5. Amazing, how does she live with herself? Not only that, she’s going to school! (getting a degree). Its nice that she’s a very humorous woman with a brillilant sense of sharpness, that should help her alot through the tough times. I also learned how to read faces! Ancient chinese art called mien siung or something. Its not bad, actually i think it might actually help. I wish time machines were invented, but they’re not yet…maybe in my lifetime they might? I have another 75 years left, hoping i pass 100. A lot should be accomplished in this time

Bharatanatyam

Instructional Website

http://onlinebharatanatyam.com/Resources/

Sessions

http://onlinebharathanatyamacademy.wordpress.com/2008/02/14/session-9-natta-adavu/

Naat Adavu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjsAU_bjNCA

Thatta Adavu

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8398579368789460664&ei=hN6YSPbfFJSUrgLS2KngDQ&q=adavu&vt=lf&hl=en

Wisdom Teeth

Getting all 4 teeth pulled out in about 10 hours, yes im kinda nervous but kinda not, we’ll find out tomm morning. Im pissed cuz i cant drink or eat anything 9 hrs. prior to surgery. Im hoping it’ll go well, hopefully i wont face too much pain. Ouch i hate this! Agh. Keeping my last bottle of water for 9 hrs. close to me…dear god, please get me through this peacefully. Whoo.

Hmmm..