Sigh

Ahh..dear life, how strange you are. Felt like breaking apart today…but i don’t think he was the reason, nor her. It might have just been me, i was wondering why the day seemed so dull and boring and sad, it seemed very sad, yet the thoughts were streaming through my head (as the mind, so the thoughts, as the mind, so the world) I was aware that I had the power to cheer up, but it was almost like i couldn’t, or rather i had no interest in doing so. Weird… not really, i mean i do feel like a complete failure these days, but not so for like on the verge of suicide or whatever, hopefully we never come to that… sucker at softball, can’t seem to do anything right, please anyone, get what i want, feel really ugly. I don’t know, when you’ve got all these dejecting ideas in your head, its hard to turn them around and really focus and shoot dynamism into their correct channels. I seriously DO hate Mr. Lahr with a passion, just got banned from printing in the library…who does that, i mean seriously? and who would have thought I would be banned?? me the goody two shoes, yelled at for printing too much and wasting paper and money. ok, i;ll admit the guy seemed pretty stressed, but he always looks like that, and he doesn’t dare act nice with a student, but thats no permission to go around yelling at people for puny crimes – which in my case isn’t a crime at all, i mean this is for the good of the world, not so it;ll end up in some recycling bin…guess that upset me alot, and grossi hurt me pretty bad too…as did hepner today, kinda yelled at me for not working. Geez i mean, give me a break, im always working and the one time i don;t i get yelled at for, how fucking annoying. I dont get anything anymore its all just a blur and i can’t seem to change the lenses. Geez i mean how much shit can a person face for wanting to help the world and be good with everyone…you know, theres no point in making strong friends or tight ties with family, they all leave anyway and then you’re stuck weeping your heart out after them or because of something they did. What bullshit, who needs any friends, or a lover or anything. Its all temporary anyway, and no matter  how tight you may be, in the end you’re all alone, so whats the point, i mean really. so waht if no one likes me. so what if they dont understand, why should it be my problem, so what if my ego gets tossed from here to there back and forth, up and down. Isn’t it good to suppress the ego? isn’t it good to torture it and get rid of it? isn;t it good to let emotion free? Im going to be completely honest, i feel completely alone in this world, completely alone, All the people i really, actually respect are either dead or thousands of miles away and i’ll probably never meet them anyway so whats the point of respecting. I get that everyone has good in them and they all have a little bad too, but all i ever really see is the bad and its sickening,and im sick of it, and i hate this. Kali. This bullsht kali, why was i born now. Why not 10,000 years ago. why am i stuck going through the worst time period of all

 

have to go, speech tomm. quiz tommm. got to sleep. pangea day this saturday. this suckz.

 

sru