Life and Grief

I never thought I would ever feel this way. I don’t know if I ever thought I could feel so broken hearted. So torn apart. So deceived, so angry, so sad. The hardest part is attempting to understand where I went wrong. How did I get here? What did I do so wrong, that I must undergo such suffering. They say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. This suffering feels inevitable, therefore is it a pain? No matter how hard I try to forget. It keeps coming back. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change anything. Yet I keep punishing myself by all this sobbing. All this broken hearted-ness. What have I sinned that I must hold tears? How could this world be so cruel. Why is it so hard to keep my head above the storms of my heart? I, a lover of justice, of truth, honesty, and values. Of self discipline, of kindness, of love. I only do what I feel is right. If I see someone who’s hurting someone else, as I did today. I will not keep quiet. I refuse to succumb to silence. Why must I be? If someone doesn’t show the person his wrongdoing, then who will? For that I feel no regret. I feel no regret for yelling at my father. I feel no guilt for cursing at him, for disrespecting him. I respect people I don’t even know that well more than I respect him, because of his nature. In the case of me, he will get what he asks for, no more no less. Every peice of hurt I throw at him are all in response to his own many threats and misconceptions and arrogant attitudes. I refuse to take crap  like that from anyone, including my own father. Traditionally, I am not supposed to say anything disrespectful to him, nor am I to question him or anything. But this is exactly why I’m not tradtitional. If he needs a wake up call that he’s currently living in the 21st century, not the 1st, I will be glad to give it to him.  I’m usually not such a horrible person. Im not this angry, this annoyed. I will forgive and forget. But when forgiving and forgetting isn’t going to get me anywhere, my patience is never-ending,but my heart refuses to bear witness to any more stabbing, I am not going to stay quiet anymore. I can only hope that the lord hears my cry, hears my intentions. My intentions are ony good. I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I refuse to accept stupidity.  I will not accept blames hurled at my mother, lies, abuse. I will not accept childish behavior from a man whose left his childhood decades ago. If he wants to play a game. Then I am more than willing to go up for the challenge, and with god’s grace, teach him a lesson well earned.  For some reason, after that fight this morning. I couldn’t hold back my tears. And I pondered the reason for their occurence. I did not feel guilty, or that I made a mistake. I think i was sad because lately, I’ve been getting so hurt, and i can’t hold it in anymore. Not because i did something wrong. I cried because I felt that there was no good left in this world anymore. So much hate, ignorance, arrogance, pride…where are the decent hearted. Why is it that the decent hearted, if they exist, all seem to be so far away from me. Why doesn’t god offer mercy on this broken hearted daughter of his. Why doesn’t he hear my sobs, feel my sorrow. Why doesn’t he offer me comfort. I gave him everything I have, my dreams, my hopes, my life. I gave it all up for his happiness. For his content. Yet he never seems to show me his appreciation. I only ever wished to serve him…