Making Sense

Things are kinda starting to make sense, but not really. Everythings a huge jumble, a crazy mess. So many thoughts, everywhere i turn problems problems problems – will they ever go away? Most likely not – who am i kidding. Can’t even sleep at night because my stupid brain won’t shut up and stop thinking. Always on the move, jeez everythings getting messed up. I have alot of plans, need to organize them, alongside of that – my future, need to make sense of that, and as if i don’t have enough on my plate, fate added another side dish – my parents (they really know how to annoy the crap out of each other and argue – had they applied for a Ph.D in this feild, they would have got it in a weekend) and also, the stupid frikking house – no offense yeah I totally love it. But all this work. Its so annoying, i mean really how hard is it to go get a lawn mower our lawn is totally a forest and i have no idea what to do with it. I don’t work, i can’t go out and buy a lawn mower. Things are totally deteriorating, parents always stressed out, lil bro life getting ruined b/c of me – i need to spend more time with him and press out all the bullshit in him and bring out his greater potential. Im a pretty selfish person aren’t i. Half my dreams never come true so i wonder what the point of dreaming is..then again they say 99% of your desires are never fullfilled. Huh, that makes everything easier doesn’t it (joking). I don’t know if i can make it through this, hopefully i can, and i will, and i have and im prepared to take on the ridiculously rough future ahead…hopefully.

special calling or delusion?

I wonder what im good for…what am i good for. i keep forgetting. I keep getting confused. One moment im walking into abercrombie gazing at all the ridiculously expensive apparel and imagining them on me…and next moment im thinking of how to pull off renouncing worldly pleasures but at the same time gain the support of the world. I think maybe what im doing is actually selfish…am i doing this for myself or for the world? what kind of an idiot am i. is it selfish to want to intertwine hospitals around the world and supply quality healthcare to everyone – regardless of wealth, class, state, etc etc etc. Is that selfish? yeah. I plan to do that with my own money and with the help of lots of friends and whoever can get involved. but here’s the catch. I plan to do that with my own money. My own hard earned money. The money i toil for, whereas swami c had even better methods. He goes and gets other people to pay for his projects. Is that what i should do? But….what? I have no plans to raise a big successful family or build a huge mansion with alll the worlds most expensive things in it. A condo or even a hut might be nice enough. But why spend all that time and effort trying to make money MYSELF. and then building my projects for the world MYSELF. what meaning does something have if only one person does everything? Huh? All i get is recognition. maybe my hospitals will get rich, famous, successful. But so what. Maybe the world has now a better chance to make sure its pop never ever declines due to poor healthcare. But so what. And maybe it’ll be all my fault that these hospitals were built, but so what. What would be extra meaningful is if the rich people in the world finally know the more beautiful things beyond material possessions and give give give to help their bros and sisters. To know that a network of hospitals have been created through the participation, involvement, and passion of the rich, the dedicated, the generous, the passionate and SO many of Them! Thats what will be worth this. But how is this possible. Today it seems nobody cares about anything but themselves and that close to them. i don’t know but its worth a shot eh.

Okay heres the plan

Graduate HIgh School with SO many Scholarships you have more than enough $!!

Attend Undergrad at UPENN

Attend MD-Ph.D program at worlds (or U.s.’s) most prestigious univ.

Hit workforce, start practicing skills, meeting people, make friends, become a big shot. Win respect.

Start Hospital Chain through investments, carefully planned and collaborated through many, many people. Sure i might direct it, but it certainly wont be all mine.

 

Good plan huh? whatever comes in between will come in between, but this shall certainly not change and i will make sure that nothing changes with my life. No alterations, modifications, obstacles, or changes are invited nor will they ever be accepted. Ever. I’ve had enough of life. Basta.

Mealtime

Meal Plan for the rest of the summer:

Lunch:

Turkey Cheese Sandwich

Turkey Cheese Lettuce Hoagie

Rice with whatver curry in the fridge

Rice with self cooked curry

Self cook possible curries: Tomato, Potato Fry, Dal, Okra fry, Sambar, Fried Rice, Biriyani, Hyderbadi Biriyani

Breakfasts: Cereal, Bread, Poptarts, Idli, Dosa, Vada, Puri, Upma, Mattar Paneer, Chicken Tikka Masala,

Deserts; Paisam, Gulab Jamun, Fruit Salad, Lassi, Sira, Halwa, Ras Malai, Ras Gulla. Cookies, Cake, Brownies

(Lunches Continued)

Pasta

Quesadillas, Fajitas, Burritos, w/e

And then once i get S. India down pat we can possible move onto international cuisine no?

memories

todays my last day at UM…omg im going to miss it. You know, no one said they;ll miss me except for the strangest people you would never expect it from! For ex. the librarian assistant, the prinicipal, teachers..weIrd. I don’t think any one of my friends told me they’ll miss me. Not one. Strange huh, but im sure they will, just like i’ll miss them. It didn’t feel like the last day, it felt normal, and like i’ll see everyone again tomm. C and R. everyone. R was so cute, she looked beautiful today! Amazing! She was so playful and happy, i was so glad. Me and her kind of connected today, i was sending vibes of love while she was playing in my lap with her lil toys for a while, and then she kept coming to me. I normally am never that great w/ babies, i mean i guess i just cant be so emotional and happy, cuz im not! lol, i still love her though, she’s awesome, and so cuttee. I’ll miss her the most. The next time i see her, she’ll be like 10 huh? Hopefully i see her soon. Maybe over the summer. Might take tennis throughout it, like every week, and then i have TMMA..and maybe i’ll volunteer at a hospital or something, i would love that. Just hope i don’t get SO busy! Hopefully i can get my hands on all the books in my wishlist, i’ll have to hit the library soon, just if i find where it is! Speaking of library, today, no student was for some reason allowed in the library, but me and my friend walked in before that was ever declared, we sat at a table near the front studying for our next final for 1.45 hours. I was totally not ready for WH and proved out right, i didn’t get or know half the questions! I was freaked! But somehow i managed to get a  high B. not bad, but not great either. Everything else was all As and A+s excepy Geo! I got a B for that! In fact i didn’t even finish i had like 10 questions left and i answered all of them randomly. Got a really good score on the BIO final, nice nuh? OK bac to the library, we sat there studying and every student that walked in after that was declared was basically kicked out w. the notion that the LIB is closed. We weren’t. All teachers were there, and just us two students! Alot of the other kids turned away were asking y we were there if the IIB is closed. The librarian said something i didn’t exactly get..I felt kinda strange and bad at the same time. What did i do to deserve something that other people didn’t? Why was i given this priviledge? Whatever that was nice though, i forgive him now of all the times he was so rude. Mr. Principal didn’t say Hi today! how weird! whatever i didn’t either so we’re even.  I am so not looking forward to the next place, i don’t have a clue for what to expect and i dont know if i want to be a prep. Maybe its for the best, lets give it a shot.

Hope i get a 100!

I  have 7 minutes left til the start of gr. comm exam. I can’t beleive this, i really hope i get a hundred. Had…6 hours of sleep, thats not bad huh? I was actually planning to only sleeep four, but it worked out okay. Not bad.

I really want a hundred! wish me luck!

Finals

Currently taking final exams..tomm i have bio and group comm..something on a persuasive argument for a free market, capitalistic society. God did that have to be the topic? what about something simple? like economy, trade, or statistics on something? Why this? arrrgh. Great. Hope to get back stolen money tomm. I dont understand what kind of an idiot would steal from a charity. WHAT THE FREAK! I just CAN’T beleive this…you know? why me? why did i forget, it just makes me so angry to think about it…so angry. Bio is taking my energy like crazy. Still have so many concepts to go over, transcription, translation, cellular respiration, DNA division, replication, mitosis, meiosis, dehydration synthesis, hydrolosis…classification, taxonomy, darwin, evolution. God. I only finished ecology, populations, and a little bit of cell structure. I have so much to do! Hopefully i get above A and hit close if not a perfect score. I honestly hate testing. Wish me luck…

This is whats up

Alright, so, UC was a total depressing failure, i depressed myself and the 20 other people that came..great huh? yes, i feel like an idiot. But hey, now im ready for the next challenge. I got you, and i got the ball, and now we’re gonna play and we’re gonna play hard. ready or not, here i come.

ay

wow, i don’t know if what im thinking is right or no…i understand that c said not to follow the latest trends and not to follow the blueprint of life..i got that, but i don’ t think there is any other way…if there is, i can’t seem to see it yet. In order for this to work, i need to win peoples respect. How can i do that? Wear latest fashions…be athletic, social, smart, polite, decent, integrity-filled. In the USA, if one wants to stand out to the crowd (not from the crowd) I guess you need to be their ideal “heroine”, you know? What you think they want from a person they respect. I’ve struggled, suffered, gone through so much pains -yet no one noticed, no one cared, no one gave a crap. If in case i won their respect a long time ago, and then struggled, suffered, and gone through so much pain - everyone might be willing to support me. Its not that i want support, but there’s no other way. It can’t be a one man army…i guess i could find some friends and pair up with them and have them trigger a spark along with me in the new society..but in order to trigger friends like that (decent, well respected) Im guessing i must  be what they like. I guess i don’ t really want to be a prep..i don’t really want to be center of attention, but if theres no other way, what can i do huh? Maybe, i guess, i can just be one level below prep. Smart, social, nice, integrity, athletic. Thats enough, i don’t need tobe a prep. Just wish i was granted some beauty. Life would be so much easier. Im not sure if im pretty, when i look in the mirror, i see prettiness, but when i see myself in pics, i look horrible. So i really don’t even know anymore. I wish i can be myself, but im still searching for myself, and im wiling to change myself for the better.

So heres the plan, get good at tennis, make friends on tennis team, social. Get a good heart, run alot, time should hit 6min. or 7min. a mile, otherwise im not happy. Get a good body, sculpt out all the bullshit, feel proud and confident to wear skin tight material. Socialize alot over the summer, just so i know how to do it and can feel comfortable doing so….get a job, hopefully, take extra intellectual training, just for personal use – just to be ahead. Still practice philanthrophical plans. In a few days, i must close my past chapter i have been experiencing for the past 3 years, and now just open another chapter i have no clue what is contained by it. Hopefully all happiness. Hopefully.

“The secret chants the whole world needs to know” Iyeoka

I love jill scott, I hate my life, I love the human potential

I love Iyeoka

I love this:

 

I know now

Im a failure, I finally know now. That needs to change – big time. And so does the modern american society. I refuse to keep quiet. I’ve been given a voice for a reason, I don’t want to give it up.