I don’t get it

I don’t get it…do i expect more of people than i should? I don’t feel it, I don’t feel thankful for what they do, rather i expect more. I expect more more more more more more more more and even more. Sure I’ll be satisfied..for like a day. Then I still, i expect more. For example, today the principal said if R said yes, he’ll say yes to the assembley. R is worried about her rep and wants to make sure the tour is “perfectly fine” for UM. R is worried about her rep. This is what caught my attention. Exactly what has she done for us so significant? What did she give up? What did she sacrifice? Where lies her passion, her appreciation, her integrity when it comes to Cac. Where is it? If it exists – at all, whatsoever, then where is it? Where? See, this is what i mean when i feel that the whole world except me and a few others are horrible and terrible and extremely egotistical and self centered and deserve all but peace. Okay, maybe its because she lost hope in cac, maybe she lost hope. But its not our fault b/c of all the failures. Maybe its my fault. Is it? I don’t know. Its pretty complicated – and confusing. Whats my fault? trying to help the world? giving. Im giving. no ones taking or giving back. Im still giving. Im still standing. No one understands me, not my parents, i dont even have best friends any more. Im alone – yes i am. all alone. And supposedly i put all the blame for everything that goes wrong on me. But inside, i don’t feel it. I don’t feel guilty. In fact i actually feel angry, and blame the world – not me. I blame the world. Maybe i’m just an emotionless person. Maybe i can’t, i don’t, and i wont ever feel anything. I don’t know.

 

to be cont…

Free-time

i leave for Hershey today, sometime soon. Not at all interested in going, i mean my ideal vacation is just a few days home with nothing to do but leisure activities. Reading, pondering, sleeping, cooking, happy times with family and friends, and just… tranquility. Of course i can’t live as this for years and years, but a few days is fine and then i’m pumped up and ready to again push and stumble into the race of life with its routine and rapid unexpected situations.

My life story..kind of

Oh wow, I learned alot about the world this year, you wouldn’t beleive how much. Its fantastic - i was constantly tossed about in storms, but learned alot in the process. 

charitywater.org

invisiblechildren.com

love146.org

 

Me and a LOT of friends tried really hard to make up a group & engage society in projs. that will help raise $ for these orgs. but we’ve had a lot of problems each time. no matter all our failures, we’re still trying! We’ve got 20 days left, and in 14, we’re hosting a Contest (poetry, rapping, singing). Hope we get a BIG turnout. 

 

I wondered many times, why i went through so much pain to do all this, why im even in this, its a headache for my parents – they’re not even interested, i lost hundreds of dollars and gained only little. So many problems with so many people – as well as failures, but Im still doing it. We used to have 55 people. Now we’re pat 20, but these 20 are beautiful people because they’re still committed and devoted and do what they say they’ll do.

And just recently i realized, i do this because i want to. I want to be obessed with something other than celebrities, the newest trend, and self-centered thoughts. Something other than a boring daily routine with the stupidest of surprises. And so as i was pondering one day the purpose of life, the reason for mankind, and as Tiger Schullman pumped up the courage and confidence in me to do what i wanted to and do it well – I found myself walking through the doors of the admin. and meeting with the prinicipal frequently.

 

Tell me what you think of Charity: Water, are they fantastic or what?

 

I felt surges of passion as life would show me and lead me to facts such as 1.1 billion ppl don’t have access to clean clear water. CHILDREN being abducted to become slaves of violence and terror – as they are taught to hold guns and wage war in which they kill innocent civilians, 30 40 50 at a time.Brainwashed from the bare glory of life. Young girls in nepal (from age 5…), sold, tricked, kidnapped to go across borders in which they serve as prostitues….I saw this and i was just..angry

 

They’re a holocaust all over again. And not many people even know about this. let alone care. What such selfishness, this isn’t what man is supposed to represent…even today i feel angry.

 

and then i came across the statement “even if man is surrounded by materialism, still he will not be happy because 1) materialism burdens him with the craving for more. and 2) man will not be happy merely because he has enough food, water, and shelter.” – Swami Chinmayanada.

 

Then we shouldn’t care about one another, it doesn’t matter anyway right? wrong. essentially it may seem right. but really, it is not justice to watch a brother sick without water and we — capable of having all the water we want not handing to him the bare necessity of life.

 

I have one last thing i wanted to show you - TED. Amazing, brilliant, fantastic. This is what i do in my spare time. Check this out – 20 min., you’ll get the feel of what im saying.

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229

 

My idea isn’t about the beauty of this video, but rather such a thing exists, where talks from amazing people all over the world are exhibited and exposed.

Dear God,

You are quite the loser aren’t you? Whats with this letter?

In 1944 the Nazis decided to exterminate the children of the orphanage La Maison d’Izieu. 44 little children were deported to Auschwitz and murdered immediately upon arrival.

Eleven-year-old Liliane Gerenstein was sent to her death a few days after she wrote this letter to God: 

“God? How good You are, how kind and if one had to count the number of goodnesses and kindnesses You have done, one would never finish.

God? It is You who command. It is You who are justice, it is You who reward the good and punish the evil.

God? It is thanks to You that I had a beautiful life before, that I was spoiled, that I had  lovely things that others do not have.

God? After that, I ask You one thing only: Make my parents come back, my poor parents protect them (even more than You protect me) so that I can see them again as soon as possible.

Make them come back again. Ah! I had such a good mother and such a good father! I have such faith in You and I thank You in advance.”

The letter was found in April 1944 in the abandoned home in Izieu. Liliane’s mother had been deported and was already murdered. Her father, Chapse, miraculously survived the horrors of the Holocaust and emigrated to the United States after the war. He died in 1979, never knowing the fate of his children.

The sleepy village of Izieu lay overlooking the Rhone River between Lyon and Chambery in central France. The children, aged between 3 and 18, felt safe and secure, supervised by seven adults. The Children’s Home was a perfect idyll and the Jewish children led a happy life with plenty of time for playing, drawing and painting.

However, on the morning of April 6, 1944 – a warm day, no clouds, bright sun – as they all settled down in the refectory to drink hot chocolate, three vehicles, two of which were lorries, pulled up in front of the home. The Gestapo, led by the Butcher of Lyon Klaus Barbie, entered the home and forcibly removed the children and their supervisors, throwing the crying and terrified children on to the trucks like sacks of potatoes.

Then the SS men ransacked the house and several more children were discovered hiding under a table in the attic classroom. In the confusion one small boy began racing across the courtyard, but the SS men grabbed him and beat him with rifle butts. Blood streamed from his nose as he was thrown into the truck. The last child, a blond boy of 3, too terrified to walk, was carried into the truck.

Following the raid on their home in Izieu, the children were taken directly to the cellar of the Fort Montluc Prison in Lyons. The very next morning Klaus Barbie arranged for the cattle cars that would take the children to the ‘collection center’ in Drancy. Then they were put on the first available train towards the death camps in the East.

Forty-two children and five adults were gassed in the extermination camp of Auschwitz. Two of the oldest children and Miron Zlatin, the superintendent, ended up in Tallin in Estonia and were put to death by a firing squad.

Of the forty-four children kidnapped by the Nazis in Izieu, not a single one survived. Of the supervisors there was one sole survivor, twenty-seven year old Lea Feldblum. When the children from Izieu arrived in Auschwitz on April 15, 1944, Léa led the column of children to the selection point. When she informed the SS that these children were from a home, she was ruthlessly separated from them and sent to the prisoners’ camp.

At the later trial of Klaus Barbie a witness, Edith Klebinder, testified that the children were put to death immediately upon arrival at Auschwitz. She was an Austrian-born Jew and was deported from France to Auschwitz April, 1944, and arrived at the death camp on April 15 aboard the same train as the Izieu children. The Nazi guards ordered Klebinder, who was fluent in French and German, to translate as they ordered children and pregnant women onto trucks and told the other arrivals to walk to the camp.

Edith Klebinder – in a voice choked with emotion – told she at first thought the children and pregnant women were given rides to the camp out of compassion. Later, she said, she asked what had become of the children:     

“I asked myself where were the children who arrived with us? In the camp there wasn’t a single child to be seen. Then those who had been there for a while informed us of the reality. “You see that chimney, the one smoke never stops coming out of  ..  you smell that odor of burned flesh …”

- Louis Bülow

 

Honestly

I’m going to be completely honest. Yes I know. Im a failure. Yes i know. Im sensitive. Yes I know. Im not anything close to a good leader. Yes I know. I put my blood sweat and tears in the most stupidest of places. Yet it takes my breath away. To see how fantastic, how amazing, how brilliantly high other HS clubs are flying. What am i doing so wrong. why am i being punished like this. I cant breathe. Literally.

Note to SELF

hey, sorry about your busy life..i know you’re trying…but keep trying, we’ll get there. soon. somehow. keep at it. and don’t give up just yet.

Im sorry

I apologize for my thoughts and words expressed, i truly am. I feel like a degraded person now. Why did I worry as such? I should have known that whatever happens happens because i deserve it and no other reason. I deserve all that knocks on my door, lays at my feet, intimidates me and intrigues the fibers of my being. I deserve it all. So then why do I react so…wrongly to these circumstances? – my circumstances. After all, they are indespensible to my development, they are existing only for my benefit, so i may strengthen my inner vitality and my individuality. So i know who i am, why i am, and what i am. So why am i so ignorant? I don’t know. But i’ll try my best to keep my self in control. I’ll try my best. And i’ll keep trying till my last breath. Until that moment comes, here’s one of my favorite artists performing a favorite song.

 

I understand

I get that i said let god toss me here and there up and down back and forth, but i wish he would also give me a sense of peace and happiness. i wish things are balanced. but theres a 10 kg weight on the dark part of my life whereas the light part has like a feather. Its not fair, at all, whatsoever, not even close. All i ask is a break, and some light, and some happiness. Why such pain? I get it, don’t be stupid, give give give, follow values and morals, be able to stand any situation under any cirumstance. I get it. But i know all of this already and just because i don’t follow it gives you no right to toss me into the depths of a pitless well. Not at all. And i hate you. yes i hate you. i have no respect for you whatsoever, you ruin everything, you don’t give a f*** about anything. Why so much chaos and bloodshed? why so many ignorant stupid people? why did you have to surround them around me? why? this is why i hate you. i feel degraded, i feel worthless and pitiful and depressed and dejected and confused. and i felt this way for half my lifetime and probably even more on this planet, always cherishing that which brings me happiness, always clinging to that which makes me smile, but its all temporary. none of it lasting, full, eternal. i suppose i can say i have only one that gives me comfort at all times. the waves of sound that quiver and travel throught the dimensions of space and time, hitting my eardrums with complete utter delicacy – leaving me in a state of peace and calmness. music. but thats it. thats it. i dont even plan on being a musician. i dont even play an instrument that great. i find comfort in the tones of voice and melodies from the instruments strummed by others. i dont know what to do, im sick of this.

Jane Eyre

oh what a beautiful story, it was amazing. really, i drank a hundred pages of her words today and thirst for more.  It got me thinking perhaps we can defy the situations which life tosses about us, we can defy them and turn around the circumstance and take everything into our control in which we are not the puppets dancing on strings but rather the masters of the strings themselves of which we have complete utter control over. The novel is amazing – the author has made it a truly delightful read and i can’t wait to review the story again. The only part i contradict is that when Jane leaves Mr. R. What’s the matter with her? His wife is a complete madwoman and he truly does love her but only has done some grave mistakes in the past but now wished to be new baptized but she leaves him. She leaves him. and then comes back after a year and finds him all broken and blind and deformed – and then she marries him. If she had really loved him she wouldn’t have left and married him right then and there, what is a madwoman to stop? Well we all make mistakes and i suppose this is hers. However circumstance may be, she got her wish, and is happy. It is certainly a beautiful ending. 

life is weird

oh wow, isn’t so weird how you feel like bitchslapping someone across the face and then all of a sudden you’re sitting down laughing with them? god.