My bed

we put the bed together over the weekend, god it was so much easier compared to the chest, but really – the thing is beautiful, so is the headboard. Heavy as crap – but beautiful. Just want my hands on those slats though, the beds actually only like 3 6inches above the ground – which is why i fell in love with it! Still need to get the fliers done, chaperone requests done, everything done out of that 50 thing list…ayiyiyi. I really want to find an internship in a lab soon, i want some way to spend my summer, and generate an income and im not sure i want to work in a restaurant. free food, but still, so boring. I can’t wait for……i don’t know what. I need to sleep. but can’t get home til 7. sigh. whatever, I’ll manage. That math quiz today was amazingly easy, i really hope i got a perfect score…wow i want a lot in my life don’t i? selfish me. need to finish that self unfoldment book. need to make notes for shannon and liam and sam. What a life. I have so much to tell you about my visit to penn over the weekend, but i got to go, see ya.

My obligations

Check em out (as of mar. 26 08)

 Find the english vocab and study

English Hw – find it and do it

Science Hw – find it and do it

Keep all Papers together (hw papers)

WH ppt. presentation due tomm

Meeting Friday

Game Night

BOB

Projects on HOLD: Channelone, KURZ, Vision 360, Multicultural day, quantum mechanics, daily procedures – phys, -sleep, -face, -life

to do list:

nylf, get auditorium, supplies, etc for events…

AND SO MUCH MORE…

Weakness

weakness. It grips me so tightly. It comes and goes repeatedly. Self Confidence, motivation, determination. They all instill themselves in me. Then suddenly something happens. Something. Then. Its almost like all energy is drained. Maybe. But what i feel? depression, weakness, sorrow, dejection, confusion. Its horrible. Feelings are so powerful, i wish this wasn’t the case. I think i know what the answer is. Self Discipline. Discipline will trap all the emotion, shove it out of the house of my being, and then lock the door that might let it back in. Discipline will teach me to discriminate between the right and the wrong, the truth and the illusion. Discipline. Unfortunately with drained energy…where can i find such? but anyway, tomorrow i have no time for depression. Tomorrow i have no time for emotional crap, because the future of my life is on the line. Tomorrow;s going to b a busy day because the day after i meet with the prinicipal to have him approve some events so success can follow the path of CAC. Oh dear god. Why does life have to be so complicated. I want NIRVANA. I want freedom from this individual solidness. I want  to the immersed with the life vitality, the all mighty, the energy of my conscious self. I don’t want to be sruthi, student, born in India. I don’t want to be this I. I want to be free. Eternal bliss is what i want to walk my way. Complete, eternal bliss, but i can’t leave this world until my mission is over. So bring this mission dear energy. I can handle it, but show me the path to this discipline. and show me how to keep my self peiced together, even through the circumstances in which i can’t help but tear apart and break down.

Shocks

Life has been giving me so many shocks and surprises and they’re almost like drugs. They get you high but in my case - agitated and confused and sorrowful and then the effects slowly fade  away till you get used to it. They’ve all left marks on me, and no i’m not planning to forget them and let them out of my system. I keep all of them locked away in the corners of my memory, coming back to me every once in a while, and i wait for a time i can bring them back to life and use them as tools to justify my actions. Who knew this was all so complicated. I don’t know what to think of anything now. People, places, things. They’ve all got goods and bads…but it seems that I am surrounded by more bad than good. Exactly how am i expected to mold myself into a better peice of evolution with so many wrongs that trip over my path. So many of them. It is definetely much easier to say that everything is controlled by some higher thing and we’re all actors in its drama and there’s nothing to worry about – its all an illusion anyway. Maybe its an illusion. Maybe its not. Maybe we’re actors. But the sad thing is that I’m not muhammod, I never saw angel gabriel come talk to me about the “truth” and I’m not Buddha who sat  under a tree and woke up enlightened – free from attachments, and I’m not any of the other people that witnessed the similar – Guru Nanak, Zoroaster, Jesus, etc etc. I never had any “proof”. I read read and read, learn, learn, and learn, analyze, analyze, and analyze. But nothings coming to me. They’re theories. All theories, maybe some of them good ones, but essentially all theories – theories to choose and follow, pick and stand by. But that’s not what I want. I want more than theories, I want truth. Maybe there’s a law of attraction, every human can get what they want if they concentrate their thoughts on that single thing. Maybe there’s seven degrees of heaven and hell. Maybe we’re all born again and again depending on the karma we gather until we reach eternal bliss through a slow process of evolution, maybe there is some singular, divine form of energy or something that runs through the veins of every human, animal, and plant – giving them all the life vitality in them just as electricity runs through radios, tvs, computers, and lamps – giving them their life. Maybe everyone;s destiny is to be again united with the divine form of energy, perhaps. But why are we not attached to that divine form in the first place? Why do we act in someones; or somethings drama in the first place? Why are we alive at all? So we can get back to where we started? Walking in circles. Whats the use. are we supposed to be like windmills, the more circles we make, the bigger the product for use? What is this ego that takes us over. That gives us more suffering than joy, more sorrows than happiness, more this than that. Hardship hardship hardship. What are these circumstances, supposing we are meant to learn from them. To grow, to rise – is this what we’re all meant to do? Such petty petty lives, pitiful people completely self-centered. Such a pitiful planet. With all its glories and riches and beauties. Still, no matter how gorgeouss its terrain, how wonderous its children, still. Pitiful. More bad than good. always. always.  In this entire world of people, 6 billion. The one best friend of mine I can completely confide, hide, and beleive in – music. This is my best friend, greater than all people, places, things. music. complete utter beauty. where lies the bad in complete utter good? what hardship is riddled deep within the notes of tall melodies with the power to unite so many hearts and heads. Thank god it exists. My only medicine for the shocks that dwell and barge through my doorstep, one after the other, tearing me apart one after the other. geez.

Powered by iSOUND.COM

Speech paper

oh my goodness, found out i got a perfect score on that paper i handed in late, how amazing. yes! if only i could do such a thing in geometry…

Procrastination success? how horrible

Did my speech yesterday, it turned out a really great experience for me. Didn’t even practice once, but still pulled it off. It really got a lot of people thinking. I just realized my momentary impulses are pretty strong – not good. Have to do something about that. I’m so overwhelmed. 2 tests tomorrow, one subject i really never even understood anything about, have to do everything now. its 10 pm, hope to sleep by 10:45 or 11, and wake up at 4. Easter break after tomorrow, thank god, finally some sleep. Need to talk to 2 principals and possibly arrange a faculty meeting to get some support for Channelone. I feel horrible, this is all SOO much to handle. sigh, whatever, no choice na.

Next?

Turned in the paper, teacher was delighted with it, gave me full credit – i was speechless. but still have the speech on friday. and that geo test. ugh.

Lucky me

Amazingly, I have such a sweet teacher! She totally gave me another free day to finish the speech paper. I love her. Before I begin , let me explain my day. Spent 2hrs. non stop talking with C. right after school – i never knew i had that capability! Spanish was horrible, hate the days we learn vocabulary. Hate them so much. I can literally fall asleep. the bio test wasn’t so bad, it was pretty easy. Thank god for angela, she probably gave me 10 undeserving points. I feel like an idiot these days in geometry. I’m so slow…and i keep blaming it on lack of sleep. but its probably me, i suck at it. I can’t beleive i have a 89 in that class. this in unnacceptable. something must be done. But waking up an hour earlier to study geometry is out of the question. I seriously wanted to do track this year. Whatever, i’ll just run outside by myself when the weather gets better. Hopefully i can get a new bike before summer starts, I’ll bike to work or tennis or something – if my parents don’t get all overprotective and blah blah. alright got to get back to the speech

later

sru

I don’t normally do this but i need to get to school now….I’m turning in the speech late. better late than horrible and self degrading